What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
