After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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