i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
