i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
