The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
