Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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