Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
