Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
