At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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