You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
