your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
