can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
