Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
