he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Randomize
