I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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