I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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