I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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