i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
