atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
