Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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