Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
