if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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