Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
