But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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