best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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