My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
she told me i tasted like america
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
