Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
