So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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