i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
