Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
