ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
