My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
