Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
