his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
