I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
