I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
