I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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