When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Randomize
