News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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