there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
