im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
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