Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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