Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
