Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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