turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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