I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
