we have pet lesbian snakes
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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