That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
