She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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