I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
