Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
